Last night, I broke. My oldest daughter came home from her bio-dads and I could tell something was up. She was hiding behind her book crying, so finally I was able to get her into her room to talk with her.
“Why aren’t you happy?” I asked her. “I’m not happy because you aren’t happy”, she said……I broke inside. She continued to let me know that I am always in bed and having to take medication that makes me sleepy, and she isn’t happy about it.
I can honestly say that I feel like a horrible parent, because while fighting chronic illness, sometimes I do forget the emotional well being of my children, deep down inside their hearts. I hear them play and feel that they are having fun and are fine, but clearly having me stuck in bed has hurt at least Ayda the most. My youngest, Ashley, is much more understanding, but she is also younger, and when Ayda was her age, I was much more healthy and active.
So last night, after saying goodnight and praying with my girls, I went into my room and broke down, and allowed Satan to attack me and my faith. Again, I started to ask Why God? Why me? How can I be a proper mother while I am facing all these medical conditions and they continue to add on.
My dear loving husband sat there, held me and listened to me until I fell asleep, after being awake since 4am.
So this morning, I woke up, feeling much better than I was expecting after attending not only Sunrise Service yesterday, but going back to our church for our regular service and brunch. I was able to wake up the girls, help them with their devotionals, and I was even able to drive them to school! Now, I am in bed resting, so when I go to pick them up, I can move out into the family room with them.
God answered my own prayer deep inside. The prayer that I didn’t feel like I truly prayed, but it doesn’t take a perfectly written prayer for God to know how we feel. My silent cry God answered the next morning. He made me well enough so I could spend the morning with my girls and drive them to school.
I honestly haven’t given it all to God, that is something that I am working on. It’s hard, because as humans being in the flesh, we think that we can fix it. We can’t and never will. Only God can, and without having a personal, I mean REALLY personal relationship with Him, He will allow us to suffer because it is our decision to accept Him. As a Christian, we always have room to grow. Personally, I am working right now on growing in Faith and Prayer.