My Adventures, Uncategorized

Better Day.

What a wonderful after being extremely sick for the last three weeks. Today was my husbands birthday so we enjoyed the sunshine at one of our favorite towns. Felt so good to get out and about. Doesn’t that quinoa bowl look amazing! I brought half of it home for dinner.

About a week ago I decided to go gluten free and it’s already shown a huge difference, and most of my clothes are extremely loose. I guess I have a excuse to go shopping for new clothes. Hubby actually insisted on a beautiful black dress that was on clearance and a necklace he thought was perfect for me. I am excited to wear it for Mother’s Day and the ladies tea at church.

Like I said, the last the last three weeks have been rough. The first two was a fibromyalgia flare, followed by four days of sore muscles, nausea and migraines, and all the sudden I was just tired and yesterday everything happened at once. I finally went to the doctor and they thought I maybe had diverticulitis but thankfully I didn’t. It’s been rough and at nights it’s the worse, and I feel like giving up, but having my husband next to me every night and comforting me and lifting me up in Christ, I know that I must give this trial to God because he knows my future.

My family has been my rock. We spend all of our time together when the girls aren’t in school, which may change next school year depending if the girls want to be homeschooled or not; right now it’s up to them and based on my health and what God wants us to do. We have our little spits and arguments but we always come back together. Family is extremely important to my husband and I because we never had a strong family growing up. So far, I have literally everything I ever dreamed of.

Even though I struggle through my chronic illnesses, I know I must pick myself up and continue. Through prayer, I am able to bring myself together and move on. It’s never been that way, and it has meant I have had to give up many things that were of the world, but it’s been worth it.

Through the blood of Jesus Christ all my sins have been washed away, and because of that I am free and wish this upon everyone. I have fallen rock bottom many times but God picks me up when before I relied on other people or myself which made it even harder. God is the answer. Better is one day in his courts, as the worship song says.

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Ministry from the Sofa

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Happy Wednesday everyone. I honestly wasn’t sure what I was going to talk about today, until God told me I should share as to why I even started this blog in the first place: as a ministry that I can do from home since I am disabled.

First of all, today is my first day ALONE in my house, minus my ginormous Husky/German shepherds, but they are just chillin’ next to me on the floor. So, I am going to be working on a Podcast today (hopefully, we shall see how it works)

But back to what I wanted to talk to you guys about was ministry. Many people, I was once included, believe that in order to serve on a ministry, you must PHYSICALLY serve. I can tell you first hand that is not true, and the Bible never said that either (I looked that up). Of course our Father wants to see us serving in the church (and when I say church, meaning the building) but we must also serve THE church: all Christians around the globe. In the Bible, in Matthew 18:20 “For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them.” This includes a building, but can also sitting together with someone and speaking of Him, even a phone call, and I firmly believe that when there are two or more gathered even online talking about Him, praying and in fellowship, that God is with all of us.

I have not talked much about my medical conditions because I feel a bit like I am rambling, but I will list them off now: Endometriosis, Intersticial Cystitis, Pelvic Floor Myalgia, Fybromyalgia, Degenerative Disc Disease, Atypical and Chronic Migraines, Chronic Depression, Severe Anxiety, PTSD with dissociative traits and I just found out I have lymphomas on my back. We found the church God called us to, but with all of these medical conditions, it has been hard to consistently serve, and it really brought me down. Not to mention being a mom and wife, it can be very frustrating. I had let all of my illness, both physical, mental and emotional, take over me the whole winter, until I had an awakening through our Father and started Chronically Faithful.

I spent hours searching online for a podcast, website, blog, even Instagram for those who have any sort of chronic illness and is looking for some help, prayer, and even friends. This is a ministry I can do from home on the worse of days, and you can too. Being chronically ill gives us the opportunity to not only uplift others through God’s word and everlasting love, but also will help ourselves. I know it has helped me. Keep fighting the good fight, and feel free to contact me up above. I would love to hear from and and pray for you or even talk.

God Bless,

Shanell

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I Broke….

Last night, I broke. My oldest daughter came home from her bio-dads and I could tell something was up. She was hiding behind her book crying, so finally I was able to get her into her room to talk with her.

“Why aren’t you happy?” I asked her. “I’m not happy because you aren’t happy”, she said……I broke inside. She continued to let me know that I am always in bed and having to take medication that makes me sleepy, and she isn’t happy about it.

I can honestly say that I feel like a horrible parent, because while fighting chronic illness, sometimes I do forget the emotional well being of my children, deep down inside their hearts. I hear them play and feel that they are having fun and are fine, but clearly having me stuck in bed has hurt at least Ayda the most. My youngest, Ashley, is much more understanding, but she is also younger, and when Ayda was her age, I was much more healthy and active.

So last night, after saying goodnight and praying with my girls, I went into my room and broke down, and allowed Satan to attack me and my faith. Again, I started to ask Why God? Why me? How can I be a proper mother while I am facing all these medical conditions and they continue to add on.

My dear loving husband sat there, held me and listened to me until I fell asleep, after being awake since 4am.

So this morning, I woke up, feeling much better than I was expecting after attending not only Sunrise Service yesterday, but going back to our church for our regular service and brunch. I was able to wake up the girls, help them with their devotionals, and I was even able to drive them to school! Now, I am in bed resting, so when I go to pick them up, I can move out into the family room with them.

God answered my own prayer deep inside. The prayer that I didn’t feel like I truly prayed, but it doesn’t take a perfectly written prayer for God to know how we feel. My silent cry God answered the next morning. He made me well enough so I could spend the morning with my girls and drive them to school.

I honestly haven’t given it all to God, that is something that I am working on. It’s hard, because as humans being in the flesh, we think that we can fix it. We can’t and never will. Only God can, and without having a personal, I mean REALLY personal relationship with Him, He will allow us to suffer because it is our decision to accept Him. As a Christian, we always have room to grow. Personally, I am working right now on growing in Faith and Prayer. img_2828

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Resurrection Sunday: Let Go, Start New

As Sunday is about to arrive, it really had me  thinking how I have viewed Resurrection Sunday (I used to call it Easter) now compared to in the past.

My life has been nothing but constant hurdle after another. My previous marriage was broken and no matter how hard I would try, it didn’t work, and I made a decision that I thought was the only way out of the marriage which ended up hurting me and many others. I was shunned from my church and fell deep, deep into a dark hole and stayed there for a while.

Then I met my husband and my best friend. Like me, he had fell into a dark hole and was going through a lot. We knew we were meant for each other, but instead of relying on God’s timing, we took it into our own. We instantly moved in together, our daughters loved each other, and 3 months later we married. The spring after we married is when my medical conditions came to light and our journey continued from when it first started during the previous marriage. Surgery after surgery, test after test. I tried multiple different medications for my conditions, and many caused me to not act like myself and lash out at my family. Even my husband fell into a depression and fell back to what comforted him in his past; alcohol. September of this year, shortly after yet another surgery for endometriosis, God allowed us to experience the most difficult and painful lesson that we both had to face.

My PTSD with dissociative traits caused hurt and legal turmoil towards my husband, and I fell even deeper into a dark place than after my divorce. I reached my breaking point. The feelings of shame, hurt, even doubt that I was a fit mother and wife because clearly my medical conditions had caused such a issue that my husband had to pay the price. I couldn’t forgive myself. I felt as if I couldn’t be a proper mother because of the fact most days I was in so much pain, I was unable to help at their classes or move into the living room.

At this point we were at a church where we thought the Lord called us, but yet again, the feeling of shame overcame and we could feel the judgement from the church. I was again hurt from churches, but knew we needed to find one that would accepted us, even through our mistakes, and that fed us the true Word of God,  and we did.

We have been attending a very small Calvary Chapel, and they are our family. They have prayed over me and my family and anointed me with Holy oil. Through many books, including Laura Story’s When God Doesn’t Fix It and with God’s Word, I finally feel at peace, and Resurrection Sunday means so much more to me than it ever did before.

God has loved me even with the sin I have committed, the horrible sin that has been eating me away for years. He sees the medical, physical and emotional pain and suffering, and yes, He could heal me, and I believe that through faith it can truly happen, but I am not healed but I know it’s for a bigger purpose than I can imagine. For years, I have felt inadequate because of my past, having my medical and emotional conditions, I mean who would want to use me to share God’s love with anyone? God, that’s who. God gave me the most gracious husband, who loves me no matter the mistake that happened and understands It was caused by my mental sickness that I did not choose, and he loves me even with my medical conditions, and seeing him grow through the Word is so great, and my children are amazing and loving, and love the Lord so much. I am truly blessed regardless of what is going on, Jesus is always there to help us through.

Through our pain and suffering we are never alone. Jesus died on the cross for us. He loved us enough to die for our sin. When I am reminded of that, I get that feeling in my chest where I feel like I am going to cry. How can I sit and wallow in my self pity when Jesus Christ went through the most excruciating pain for all of us who choose to give our life to Him.

So this Resurrection Sunday, I urge you to look at you as God looks at you. Resurrect yourself through Jesus Christ. Give yourself wholly. It took me years of walking what I thought was the Christian walk, to completely running from Him until my life broke and I knew He was the one and only answer. The pain can be taken away by handing all your burdens to Him. He didn’t pay the ultimate price for nothing, but for us all. Sunday, YOU can live with joy through the pain. You can say “NO MORE” to the devil who is trying to pull you further from our Heavenly Father.

Remember the price He paid, bury your past, your sin and your pain and say “Jesus, I give myself fully to You, Lord. Guide me and use me in any way You see fit for me.”

Sunday is a perfect time to start fresh.