As Sunday is about to arrive, it really had me thinking how I have viewed Resurrection Sunday (I used to call it Easter) now compared to in the past.
My life has been nothing but constant hurdle after another. My previous marriage was broken and no matter how hard I would try, it didn’t work, and I made a decision that I thought was the only way out of the marriage which ended up hurting me and many others. I was shunned from my church and fell deep, deep into a dark hole and stayed there for a while.
Then I met my husband and my best friend. Like me, he had fell into a dark hole and was going through a lot. We knew we were meant for each other, but instead of relying on God’s timing, we took it into our own. We instantly moved in together, our daughters loved each other, and 3 months later we married. The spring after we married is when my medical conditions came to light and our journey continued from when it first started during the previous marriage. Surgery after surgery, test after test. I tried multiple different medications for my conditions, and many caused me to not act like myself and lash out at my family. Even my husband fell into a depression and fell back to what comforted him in his past; alcohol. September of this year, shortly after yet another surgery for endometriosis, God allowed us to experience the most difficult and painful lesson that we both had to face.
My PTSD with dissociative traits caused hurt and legal turmoil towards my husband, and I fell even deeper into a dark place than after my divorce. I reached my breaking point. The feelings of shame, hurt, even doubt that I was a fit mother and wife because clearly my medical conditions had caused such a issue that my husband had to pay the price. I couldn’t forgive myself. I felt as if I couldn’t be a proper mother because of the fact most days I was in so much pain, I was unable to help at their classes or move into the living room.
At this point we were at a church where we thought the Lord called us, but yet again, the feeling of shame overcame and we could feel the judgement from the church. I was again hurt from churches, but knew we needed to find one that would accepted us, even through our mistakes, and that fed us the true Word of God, and we did.
We have been attending a very small Calvary Chapel, and they are our family. They have prayed over me and my family and anointed me with Holy oil. Through many books, including Laura Story’s When God Doesn’t Fix It and with God’s Word, I finally feel at peace, and Resurrection Sunday means so much more to me than it ever did before.
God has loved me even with the sin I have committed, the horrible sin that has been eating me away for years. He sees the medical, physical and emotional pain and suffering, and yes, He could heal me, and I believe that through faith it can truly happen, but I am not healed but I know it’s for a bigger purpose than I can imagine. For years, I have felt inadequate because of my past, having my medical and emotional conditions, I mean who would want to use me to share God’s love with anyone? God, that’s who. God gave me the most gracious husband, who loves me no matter the mistake that happened and understands It was caused by my mental sickness that I did not choose, and he loves me even with my medical conditions, and seeing him grow through the Word is so great, and my children are amazing and loving, and love the Lord so much. I am truly blessed regardless of what is going on, Jesus is always there to help us through.
Through our pain and suffering we are never alone. Jesus died on the cross for us. He loved us enough to die for our sin. When I am reminded of that, I get that feeling in my chest where I feel like I am going to cry. How can I sit and wallow in my self pity when Jesus Christ went through the most excruciating pain for all of us who choose to give our life to Him.
So this Resurrection Sunday, I urge you to look at you as God looks at you. Resurrect yourself through Jesus Christ. Give yourself wholly. It took me years of walking what I thought was the Christian walk, to completely running from Him until my life broke and I knew He was the one and only answer. The pain can be taken away by handing all your burdens to Him. He didn’t pay the ultimate price for nothing, but for us all. Sunday, YOU can live with joy through the pain. You can say “NO MORE” to the devil who is trying to pull you further from our Heavenly Father.
Remember the price He paid, bury your past, your sin and your pain and say “Jesus, I give myself fully to You, Lord. Guide me and use me in any way You see fit for me.”
Sunday is a perfect time to start fresh.