My Adventures, Uncategorized

Better Day.

What a wonderful after being extremely sick for the last three weeks. Today was my husbands birthday so we enjoyed the sunshine at one of our favorite towns. Felt so good to get out and about. Doesn’t that quinoa bowl look amazing! I brought half of it home for dinner.

About a week ago I decided to go gluten free and it’s already shown a huge difference, and most of my clothes are extremely loose. I guess I have a excuse to go shopping for new clothes. Hubby actually insisted on a beautiful black dress that was on clearance and a necklace he thought was perfect for me. I am excited to wear it for Mother’s Day and the ladies tea at church.

Like I said, the last the last three weeks have been rough. The first two was a fibromyalgia flare, followed by four days of sore muscles, nausea and migraines, and all the sudden I was just tired and yesterday everything happened at once. I finally went to the doctor and they thought I maybe had diverticulitis but thankfully I didn’t. It’s been rough and at nights it’s the worse, and I feel like giving up, but having my husband next to me every night and comforting me and lifting me up in Christ, I know that I must give this trial to God because he knows my future.

My family has been my rock. We spend all of our time together when the girls aren’t in school, which may change next school year depending if the girls want to be homeschooled or not; right now it’s up to them and based on my health and what God wants us to do. We have our little spits and arguments but we always come back together. Family is extremely important to my husband and I because we never had a strong family growing up. So far, I have literally everything I ever dreamed of.

Even though I struggle through my chronic illnesses, I know I must pick myself up and continue. Through prayer, I am able to bring myself together and move on. It’s never been that way, and it has meant I have had to give up many things that were of the world, but it’s been worth it.

Through the blood of Jesus Christ all my sins have been washed away, and because of that I am free and wish this upon everyone. I have fallen rock bottom many times but God picks me up when before I relied on other people or myself which made it even harder. God is the answer. Better is one day in his courts, as the worship song says.

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Another Rollercoaster

Today I had my follow-up for my spine injections. I had my second injection just about three weeks ago and the relief was none. My doctor is now sending me to a neurosurgeon for an opinion as to what the next path of treatment will be.

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Yay! (😒) Just another specialist to add to my crazy list of doctors who are part of my chronic illness journey. Friday I see the general surgeon for the lipomas on my back, so that should be interesting. Meanwhile while waiting for my doctor to come into my exam room, my gynecologist who specializes in over half of my invisible illness gave me the news that I have a bladder infection inside of my bladder that’s diseased with interstitial cystitis, which explains why I am having horrible pain around my pelvic area. Oh! And I am still waiting on rheumatology.

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Truth be told, I’m scared. My pain is an eight and goes up to a ten at night. All of my body had been in some sort of flare for five days now. My degenerative disc disease and bluffed discs at L4/S1 are is creating my left leg to go dead and pain in my left hip, that is flaring up my pelvic floor myalgia, the bladder is flared from the infection, and all of those flared up my fibromyalgia. Yesterday I slept all day and couldn’t even leave my bed. So yeah, I’m all sorts of flares! img_3201

Life isn’t easy. The trials we face are of all different sorts which teach us lessons as we go through the journey. When my journey all started ten years ago and they kept telling me that I needed to see multiple specialists, I would immediately go into a panic attack, but today I didn’t. Today was different and there was just one reason why: my relationship with God. Plus the fact my husband is with me, that always helps. img_3239

The closer I have become to God the easier my life has become, but that doesn’t just come freely. It’s a relationship, a continuous and faithful one at that. That’s what gives me this freedom. As relationships with others consist of mutual love and respect, it is the same with our relationship with God. If we expect something from God yet don’t give him what He has clearly written in God’s Word (trust, faith in Him, the list goes on), that’s not truly a relationship with Him. Do you constantly ask your friends or spouse to do something and when they ask of something of you, you completely ignore it? Is that a relationship? Nope.

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Because I have been listening to Gods Word and trusting what it says and Him in general, I have been able to get through my trials and this journey much better. It has also opened many doors for me and our family in ways I can’t even imagine. Sure, I’m being sent to yet another specialist and am not healed or even close to it, but I trust His plan because He is the maker of me and my future. I have no right to intervene with our maker, and He knows what’s best for me. I used to fight and try to solve issues by my own ways, and it would just cause me further pain, both emotionally and physically. But once I gave my trust unto God, I have peace because when I pray, and I mean truly pray and have a full conversation with God, and after learning how to discern His voice, I know everything will be ok and He is using these trials to help others and to show me where He wants to use me in this world.

One learns the deepest meaning of faith during the biggest trials of their lives. Sure, this is going to be a new and crazy rollercoaster ride because of the new specialists being added, but I’m ready. I am chronically faithful and forever will be because my future has already been written and He is showing me a little at a time.

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Resurrection Sunday: Let Go, Start New

As Sunday is about to arrive, it really had me  thinking how I have viewed Resurrection Sunday (I used to call it Easter) now compared to in the past.

My life has been nothing but constant hurdle after another. My previous marriage was broken and no matter how hard I would try, it didn’t work, and I made a decision that I thought was the only way out of the marriage which ended up hurting me and many others. I was shunned from my church and fell deep, deep into a dark hole and stayed there for a while.

Then I met my husband and my best friend. Like me, he had fell into a dark hole and was going through a lot. We knew we were meant for each other, but instead of relying on God’s timing, we took it into our own. We instantly moved in together, our daughters loved each other, and 3 months later we married. The spring after we married is when my medical conditions came to light and our journey continued from when it first started during the previous marriage. Surgery after surgery, test after test. I tried multiple different medications for my conditions, and many caused me to not act like myself and lash out at my family. Even my husband fell into a depression and fell back to what comforted him in his past; alcohol. September of this year, shortly after yet another surgery for endometriosis, God allowed us to experience the most difficult and painful lesson that we both had to face.

My PTSD with dissociative traits caused hurt and legal turmoil towards my husband, and I fell even deeper into a dark place than after my divorce. I reached my breaking point. The feelings of shame, hurt, even doubt that I was a fit mother and wife because clearly my medical conditions had caused such a issue that my husband had to pay the price. I couldn’t forgive myself. I felt as if I couldn’t be a proper mother because of the fact most days I was in so much pain, I was unable to help at their classes or move into the living room.

At this point we were at a church where we thought the Lord called us, but yet again, the feeling of shame overcame and we could feel the judgement from the church. I was again hurt from churches, but knew we needed to find one that would accepted us, even through our mistakes, and that fed us the true Word of God,  and we did.

We have been attending a very small Calvary Chapel, and they are our family. They have prayed over me and my family and anointed me with Holy oil. Through many books, including Laura Story’s When God Doesn’t Fix It and with God’s Word, I finally feel at peace, and Resurrection Sunday means so much more to me than it ever did before.

God has loved me even with the sin I have committed, the horrible sin that has been eating me away for years. He sees the medical, physical and emotional pain and suffering, and yes, He could heal me, and I believe that through faith it can truly happen, but I am not healed but I know it’s for a bigger purpose than I can imagine. For years, I have felt inadequate because of my past, having my medical and emotional conditions, I mean who would want to use me to share God’s love with anyone? God, that’s who. God gave me the most gracious husband, who loves me no matter the mistake that happened and understands It was caused by my mental sickness that I did not choose, and he loves me even with my medical conditions, and seeing him grow through the Word is so great, and my children are amazing and loving, and love the Lord so much. I am truly blessed regardless of what is going on, Jesus is always there to help us through.

Through our pain and suffering we are never alone. Jesus died on the cross for us. He loved us enough to die for our sin. When I am reminded of that, I get that feeling in my chest where I feel like I am going to cry. How can I sit and wallow in my self pity when Jesus Christ went through the most excruciating pain for all of us who choose to give our life to Him.

So this Resurrection Sunday, I urge you to look at you as God looks at you. Resurrect yourself through Jesus Christ. Give yourself wholly. It took me years of walking what I thought was the Christian walk, to completely running from Him until my life broke and I knew He was the one and only answer. The pain can be taken away by handing all your burdens to Him. He didn’t pay the ultimate price for nothing, but for us all. Sunday, YOU can live with joy through the pain. You can say “NO MORE” to the devil who is trying to pull you further from our Heavenly Father.

Remember the price He paid, bury your past, your sin and your pain and say “Jesus, I give myself fully to You, Lord. Guide me and use me in any way You see fit for me.”

Sunday is a perfect time to start fresh.