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I am Hopeful

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Psalms 27:13-14 NKJV – I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!

T-minus 6 days until surgery and I am coming to terms with the fact that I will need 2 surgeries; possibly three depending on my appointment with the neurosurgeon on May 21st.  When I received the news from my gynecologist that I would need yet another hydro-distention for interstitial cystitis, and possible removal of endometriosis. I believe this would make number 5 for the hydro-distention and number 8 or 9 for endometriosis. Honestly I have lost count.

I have been pretty down knowing this news, and I am not quiet sure why it’s affecting me so much. It’s been hard to find the words, which is why I am just writing another blog post. Maybe the fact that I have been battling the endometriosis for 10 years, and it seems to continue to become worse. Maybe because I finally know my disabilities and it doesn’t even include the illnesses that affect me more on a daily basis because modern medicine doesn’t understand what I have. Who know’s but I am tired of anesthesia and procedures. But I must trust in God with everything.

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It’s honestly been a learning experience going through all of these “trials” I guess you would call them in life. People say, that God only gives us what we can handle, and I guess God must think I can handle more than I think I can myself. I couldn’t be getting through all of this without my family. They have been my rock going through all of this. They have been so understanding, and I couldn’t ask more. We have become closer throughout this whole process, which is something I never would’ve thought would happen. I have grown individually and spiritually, and thrive to grow even more. I am honestly excited about summer and all the activities that I will be able to do with the girls. Going back to school is one thing I am extremely excited about, since this is something I have wanted to always do, but it just hasn’t been the right timing. I have now realized that I am unable to do anything without God’s blessing and timing, which requires patience. If we would just listen and wait on God, maybe we wouldn’t hurt ourselves deep down inside, and maybe life would go a little smoother. Who knows, just glad that I realized this now and I am ready to continue to my less stressful life trust in God. So starting now, I am going to enjoy the little things and not stress the things (which is like everything) that is in God’s hands.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV – Trust in the Lord with al your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. 

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Finally, Peace.

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What does it mean to have a sense of peace? This has been a discovery for myself, and I really started to question what it really meant to have peace. I have noticed I enjoy my quiet times of prayer, reading scripture, my books, the newspaper, and I used to never be that way, until pretty recently, and it was a very simple change I made that gave me my peace within.

As I grow more my faith, I have a much higher sense of peace than I have ever had before. I used to be a worry wart. Things would happen to me that I couldn’t control and I would stress out about it to the point I would throw myself into a flare. Literally, I was giving myself pain when it was unnecessary.

Finding such a loving church, I have peace knowing I have a community who supports me and loves me. Knowing my husband is there for me and everyday he lifts me and our children up with the Lord on a daily basis, that gives me peace. The fact that I know that I am imperfect and have sinned, and God still loves me, and with me accepting Jesus Christ as my personal Savior and following His Word, that gives me peace.

Before I came back to my faith, I was miserable. There was no peace at all. I was bitter, angry, and felt a emptiness in my heart that I tried to fulfill with multiple things; hobbies, jobs, even business opportunities, nothing fulfilled the emptiness. I truly believe that was Satan holding onto me, because I was weak without staying faithful in my relationship with God. Yet, He has saved me over and over again from a destructive cycle of depression and anxiety that I would cause myself. Once we hand our lives back over to God, He is in control.

Cast your burden on the Lord, And He shall sustain you; He shall never permit the righteous to be moved. -Psalms 55:22 NKJV

Hand your burdens to Him because He is there for us always. Why go through unnecessary pain when you are able to give all our burdens and worries to the God that created us and knows our future? The answer is you don’t have to. Pray to God, and He will release you from your pain, and you will finally be at peace. God is truthfully amazing, and I can promise you that.