Better, But Not “Better”

I am currently writing this from my phone while laying in bed in horrible pain from a flare from my Interstitial Cystitis.

I haven’t written much since May when I started back in college. What I haven’t shared with you is my husband went back to work and my kids are done with school for the summer. So my life has changed in its entirety and for the better, but that still doesn’t mean it’s been easy.

My health is better but not better. I am not sure how to say it any other way to be honest. My fibromyalgia has been better, but my bladder has gone in the opposite direction to where I have no other choice than to call up my gynecologist and reschedule the hydrodistention that I canceled earlier this month. I honestly thought I wouldn’t need it since it has been months since my bladder has gone in a flare. My back has been better until this past week when my kids were home and hubby was work, I was chasing around kids, dogs, standing and cooking, you know, all the standard stay at home mom stuff, and yet get my school work and photos edited.

Now I don’t mean to have this sound like I am complaining because I am not. I’m honestly very happy with my life and thankful God has given me these opportunities. I am overjoyed that I can do all this and have the opportunity to be with my children and go back to college for my dream. The hardest part is doing all this with chronic illnesses, and it’s even harder to find those who truly understand and can relate.

Chronic illnesses will never go away, so it’s up to me to change my outlook of them. I have no other choice because my husband is no real help staying home and caring for me. I was the one who told him he should go back to work because I’m not going to get any better unless I am having to take care of myself. The past 8 months of him being able to stay home and the past two years of him taking time off had been nice, but I never go better, and just became worse. That’s when my prayers turned into asking God what I needed to do, and that’s when I was answered with “Just live life”.

So here I am, living life. I am a domestic engineer; mother and wife, a student, photographer and Christian. I’m also a chronic illness warrior. My mindset has changed thanks to our Heavenly Father showing me the way.

So that’s what I mean when I say that I am better but not better. Mentally and physically I am, even though my conditions require consistent care and upkeep. Even though there will be days of flares where I will be down, even when I will be procedures. My mindset has gone from depressed to living life no matter what.

How are you looking life and your situations that God has handed to you? God made us this way and He is all knowing. We don’t understand but He does, so just go on and live freely!

chronic illness

Happiness Compared to Joy


What is the difference between happiness and joy. Many people think that they are the same, but they are very different, especially for us Christians, and when it comes to self-worth, it’s very important to understand the difference.

It has taken me many years to find my joy in everyday life living with multiple chronic and invisible illnesses. I used to say I just wanted to be happy, but happiness never truly came, until God showed me joy. With joy, happiness is not needed.

We must always focus on Christ first. Yes, we may feel worthless during certain seasons of our life. I have been there myself so many times.  I always wanted to work. I had started college at the age of 18 and was unable to continue do to my health. Then I was unable to keep a job for the same reasons, and my health kept getting worse. I felt completely helpless and worthless until God changed my heart completely literally about a week ago when I suddenly had the desire to be able to do what stay-at-home moms do like chores and cooking, I wanted to continue my education online for photography and focus on our ministries in the church, and that was my joy; within my family and church, and never before did I feel that. See, God showed me what was meant for me, and by listening to Him, I was able to see my own self worth from God because of the fact His only Son died for me and my sins. What I wanted was not what He wanted for me, and finally He showed me my calling. I wasn’t focusing on Christ first, but my own wants. I no longer feel hopeless or worthless.

Happiness is depended on circumstances when joy is everlasting and never-changing regardless of the circumstance(s) because joy is found in Christ. When I was searching for happiness, I felt empty because I was searching far from Christ. Without focusing on Him first, there won’t be any happiness or joy. When we put our eyes back on Jesus, the joy comes back. Matthew 6:33-34 says “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” Yes, we don’t know what tomorrow has in store for us, but God does, so why would we not put Him first in everything we do?

No longer do I see my self-worth in what the world sees of me or in working outside of the home or getting a degree in what would make the most money, but I see it in what God says I am and what He has planned for me, because He knows what tomorrow brings. The feeling of joy is nothing like I have ever experienced before, and I am so glad that I am finally experiencing it, and I pray that you find joy in what God sees in you.


His Faithfulness

I finished a wonderful devotional and the last devotion really moved me. Through the devotional, God really moved me using his true given word, and it has given me peace through the current trials I am going through.

It’s in Psalms 138 when David gives us a picture of his faithfulness to God. He praises God saying “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me; You will stretch out Your hand Against the wrath of my enemies, And Your right hand will save me.” (vs 7). We all are fighting some sort of enemy on a daily basis, weather it could be habitual sin, illness, mental illness, anything that is trying to tear you down is from the one biggest enemy and his name is Satan. Then we go on to Psalm 142, where he cries out to God for relief from those who persecuted him, saying ”“I cried out to You, O LORD: I said, “You are my refuge, My portion in the land of the living.” (vs 5). Whenever we face any sort of trial, we must first give it to the hands of God and trust in his faithfulness. I also always browse through the Psalms until the word speaks right to me.

God is literally the definition of love and is always there for you, and his words and faithfulness remain to be true. Just trust in him, and you will get through it.

Our Daily Bread: Hope and Strength for Times of Illness Bible reading plan from @YouVersion – http://bible.com/r/Bm

#godsword #hisfaithfulness #greatisthyfaithfulness #chronicallyfaithful #chronicillness

chronic illness

Surgery Success

Today was the day my lipomas were removed, but it wasn’t an easy journey to get here.

I have been sick for the last week and yesterday it became worse. I haven’t been able to do anything; photography, blogging, nothing but sleep.

The closest thing to the outdoors has been my porch. This is a new addition that we just got in September of 2017. Mothers Day my family bought me two hanging baskets. That’s also the day when my allergies kicked in, making the cold I had already worse, then triggering a horrible flare. We almost had to call the surgery off. So the fact that I am feeling better right after surgery is a good sign of the success of removing four lipomas. They originals thought I had two but I had two others deeper into the muscle…..hmmm…..no wonder why I have been having so much back pain.

I also received news that I will be having two other procedures simultaneously June 1st; a hydrodistention for my interstitial cystitis and a removal of possible endometriosis. This will make my fourth hydrodistension and my eighth laparoscopy for endometriosis. I may have those numbers wrong because of I honestly am not completely sure if that is correct. This is also very overwhelming for me and stressful. My husband is still having to stay home to help me because it will still be a while until I am fully healed from all these procedures I have had the last six months. But I also know that God is good and there is a reason for anything and I know this by personal experience. Staying in Gods word and talking with him on a daily bases has been the key, and because of this, he blesses us in return.

“A faithful man will abound with blessings, But he who hastens to be rich will not go unpunished.” -Proverbs‬ ‭28:20‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

So incredibly thankful for this essential oil blend. This last month and a half has been a hard one with lots of emotions, and this bottle has helped balance them. Getting older as a woman is hard, and this will be your best friend for many years.

So now it is time to rest, and get some schoolwork done. Thank you all for the prayers and remember, stay strong through achieved trials God has given you.


I am Hopeful


Psalms 27:13-14 NKJV – I would have lost heart, unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; Wait, I say, on the Lord!

T-minus 6 days until surgery and I am coming to terms with the fact that I will need 2 surgeries; possibly three depending on my appointment with the neurosurgeon on May 21st.  When I received the news from my gynecologist that I would need yet another hydro-distention for interstitial cystitis, and possible removal of endometriosis. I believe this would make number 5 for the hydro-distention and number 8 or 9 for endometriosis. Honestly I have lost count.

I have been pretty down knowing this news, and I am not quiet sure why it’s affecting me so much. It’s been hard to find the words, which is why I am just writing another blog post. Maybe the fact that I have been battling the endometriosis for 10 years, and it seems to continue to become worse. Maybe because I finally know my disabilities and it doesn’t even include the illnesses that affect me more on a daily basis because modern medicine doesn’t understand what I have. Who know’s but I am tired of anesthesia and procedures. But I must trust in God with everything.


It’s honestly been a learning experience going through all of these “trials” I guess you would call them in life. People say, that God only gives us what we can handle, and I guess God must think I can handle more than I think I can myself. I couldn’t be getting through all of this without my family. They have been my rock going through all of this. They have been so understanding, and I couldn’t ask more. We have become closer throughout this whole process, which is something I never would’ve thought would happen. I have grown individually and spiritually, and thrive to grow even more. I am honestly excited about summer and all the activities that I will be able to do with the girls. Going back to school is one thing I am extremely excited about, since this is something I have wanted to always do, but it just hasn’t been the right timing. I have now realized that I am unable to do anything without God’s blessing and timing, which requires patience. If we would just listen and wait on God, maybe we wouldn’t hurt ourselves deep down inside, and maybe life would go a little smoother. Who knows, just glad that I realized this now and I am ready to continue to my less stressful life trust in God. So starting now, I am going to enjoy the little things and not stress the things (which is like everything) that is in God’s hands.

Proverbs 3:5-6 NKJV – Trust in the Lord with al your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. 




Positive Friendships


“II Kings 2:2 NKJV- Then Elijah said to Elisha, “Stay here, please, for the LORD has sent me on to Bethel.” But Elisha said, “As the LORD lives, and as your soul lives, I will not leave you!” So they went down to Bethel.

Have you ever asked yourself what friendship really means to you? Recently, I have been asking myself this question more. I have had my fair share of friends who come and go, new friends who then hurt me, and those who are halfway there. I have been telling myself, well, this is life when I am chronically ill, but that shouldn’t be the case.

God wants us to be surrounded by people who encourage, support, and love us through sickness and health. He wants us to be with people who truly do love us, and not only when we aren’t in a flare or in the hospital. God makes it equally clear that he doesn’t want us around those who are hurtful, destructive and bad influences. So why do we continue to surround ourselves with those who fall into the last category?

I know it can be hard to remove yourself from friends that we have been with for a while and we don’t want to hurt their feelings, but what is more important to you? Their feelings or God? Yes, I know it’s a big question, but it must be asked, especially if we are to live a life through God’s eyes and follow his word.

Finding my church has shown me what true friendship is, and these people I have known for over 6 months have shown more love than more than half of my friends who don’t attend church. Many of which I haven’t heard from in months, and that says a lot.

Let go of the friendships that are tearing you down and not leading you towards God and Christ. Pray to God to help you remove any negative people from your life and for the ability to become closer to healthy and uplifting people. Self care is very important, and having the friends that God wants for us will do so much towards your self care. I promise.





Here goes nothing.


I have been doing a lot of praying and thinking lately. I know there there is more for me out there than being chronically ill. Yes, I love being a mother and wife, but I strive and yearn for something that is for me. On Saturday we had family pictures, and while speaking to our photography, I realized exactly what was needed.


While staring through these beautiful trees to the sunlight and the misty lake, I knew that photography was my calling, but that it would help with my well being and help me get through tough times being chronically ill. When I don’t feel good and know that I need to get out, I grab my camera, and when I am focusing on what is before me, I am able to forget about how I feel. When I see the beauty through my lens, I am even more comforted knowing just how powerful God is.

Today I completed my enrollment process in order to receive my portrait photography certificate and hope to continue to receive my associates degree, if that is what God has planned for me, either way, I am excited to further my education while I am working on health. Focusing on my education will help me get through my pain and struggles, and I am excited for that. My goal is to offer portrait photography at an affordable price for families and individuals who are in the same situation as me and my family, while also sharing my photos of my local area to the businesses in town. I also want to offer it to our church and help with our church website. Plus I can share what I learn with my older daughter who has her own interest in photography.

I start May 17th, so a day after my surgery, and I am more ready than ever. I will have something to do while laying in bed. If I can fight my illnesses, I can fight anything.